Marianna Jaross
Dr Gabor Maté highlights that we have two primary needs, attachment and authenticity.
Attachment = our drive to connect with a caring other, and feel ‘seen.’
Authenticity = our ability to acknowledge our emotions, interests, and act in a way that is truly who we are, and aligns to our sense of meaning and purpose.
To understand the connection between these two we have to consider our infancy and childhood.
As infants, we are completely dependent on our caregivers. We need attachment to survive physiologically, and depend on caregivers to meet our needs, soothe us in times of distress, and provide adequate ‘mirroring’ of our experiences and emotions; all of which impact the wiring of our brain at a deep, physiological level. This continues throughout childhood as our brains develop.
Importantly, parents can’t be expected to be perfect; and there is the Winnicott-ian idea of the ‘good enough’ parent who attends to us most of the time. However, if our moods, emotions or experiences weren't predominantly attended to or ‘allowed’ by our primary caregivers, we have likely learnt to suppress them and put on whatever mask was acceptable to our caregivers.
For example, if we were told or given the impression that being angry is ‘wrong,’ that showing emotions is ‘bad,’ and/or that certain parts of us need to be suppressed in order for us to be loved; we will hide ourselves, our emotions, and sacrifice our authenticity and self-expression in favour of preserving our attachments to our caregivers.
That is, between the needs of attachment and authenticity, we will (subconsciously) choose attachment. We can live without our authenticity more than we can survive without our caregiver relationships. The choice that was initially required for our survival can haunt us in into adulthood.
This is how this appears in later life: Trying to logic your emotions or thinking that they are ‘bad’ or ‘wrong,’ challenges in feeling grounded in your body, saying ‘yes’ to situations or opportunities that don’t feel right to you but that you engage in anyway, and unfulfilling relationships where you make yourself small or invisible.
You may have ‘learnt’ and normalised that connections come with self-sacrifice, which can open a pandora’s box of challenging relational experiences. In short, you may be continuing a cycle that was initially required for you to survive, but may be necessary to tweak as an adult.
Here are some potential antidotes:
1. Consider your early relational experiences and their impacts.
2. Learn to validate and explore your emotions, with a particular awareness towards your body and felt sensations.
You are learning to meet, ‘tolerate,’ and hold emotions that may not have been ‘allowed’ to be expressed growing up. This can be a scary process, and can require the support of a trained therapist.
3. Notice when you light up, what interests you, and when you feel the most ‘you.’
This may only occur in tiny moments throughout your day or your week when you are engaged in a particular activity, or when you are compelled by an interest. These avenues (not the addictive, self-destructive ones, but the activities that provide you with curiosity, engagement, presence, and ‘flow’ states), are no accident. They are clues from your psyche steering you towards authentic self-expression.
4. Consider your relationships.
Have you fallen into a trap of over-giving to the point of self-sacrifice? How do you feel asking for support or seeking help?
Hyper-independence can be a learnt defense mechanism to keep ourselves ‘safe;' and opening the door to connection means softening the walls around our heart, and accessing our vulnerabilities with people who have shown that they are reliable and kind to us.
5. Ask yourself prompting questions as though you are talking to someone you care about, and write down the answers.
You can start small: What do I like? What am interested in? Sometimes following threads of inspiration, no matter how small the steps, can begin the process of leading us back to ourselves.
Though it may be reasonable in context of your history to have barred off your heart and self-expression in order to receive some form of connection to survive as a child, this doesn’t mean that you have to apply this template to your interactions or life ongoing in the form of self-sacrifice, dismissal of your emotions, or one-way connections.
Shifts arise from validating the parts of you that were unseen and unheard, acquainting with and learning to tolerate your emotions, learning to feel grounded and safe in your body, and taking steps towards your genuine interests and relationships that feel reciprocal.
You are not doomed if you haven’t had the ideal start. However, you may have to do the psychological work to reacquaint yourself with your emotions, your genuine desires, and pivot towards a life that is reflective of who you are and what you truly want; not merely a reflection of your child self who had to hide themselves away to stay connected and/or safe.
Change is possible, and there is hope.
© Marianna Jaross
Note: This article originally appeared on Medium in 2022 and is independent of my professional association(s) and workplace(s).
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