Marianna Jaross
I have always been a bit of a dreamer.
Some of it was born of circumstances where I would conjure up fantasy situations and scenarios to cope with the other parts of my life I had no control over.
However, because I’ve weaselled my way into a life I like — admittedly through a lot of work psychologically and otherwise — I have retained a sort of reckless assumption that any attempt towards my goals and dreams with an open heart will ‘work out.’ Fantasy escapes and trying to make my big dreams come true a la Disney are my shtick.
The school of life has brought me down a couple of notches regarding some of my hopes and aspirations, and I’m recalibrating into a new and more grounded perspective. However, what isn’t great is that I’ve recently felt scared to dream, hope, and move towards the things I’m usually enthusiastic about. I’m scared of things not working out, because I’ve assumed that everything has to be linear and move according my ideals.
I have not been open to failure, setbacks or challenges; which is the price of admission for trying anything.
However, avoidance of my desires causes me more pain than any setback or failure would. This is what I’m doing to regain some of my optimism, and pivot towards my dreams in a way that is gentler on my heart.
Here is what I recommend if you're in a similar place:
1.) Review your patterns honestly and thoroughly.
It can feel incredibly jarring and sticky to do the psychological deep dive of what hasn’t worked out for you. It is important to review the following: Did you contribute to something not working out? If yes, then you can set about doing the work to address the side of the street — your patterns — that need cleaning up.
No shame in this, doing ‘the work’ means you are less likely to repeat what hasn’t been helpful. The good news is that your patterns are something you have control over, which is a blessing, even if it feels like a challenge.
Have compassion for what you didn’t know, and take baby steps to do something different. Review, reflect, and address what is in your control that requires change.
2.) Ask yourself if your dream needs tweaking.
Sometimes we think that there is only ‘one’ thing that will bring us happiness. If a door has been closed in front of us, check the window, or look for an alternative. It might be a blessing in disguise, your dream might not be ready for you or vice-versa, or you may find an alternative source to the feeling/situation that you’re looking for.
There is a difference between settling and finding a delicious other path if one has shut in front of you. Don’t bang on a door that can’t or won’t open forever — use that energy to find an alternative.
3.) Look at how far you've come.
Sometimes we have made a heap of progress without even thinking about it. I used to wish I was where I am now: I have finally chosen a great city I love to settle down, I have the foundations of the career I enjoy, and I have certain freedoms I couldn’t have imagined in the past.
Reflect and inject some gratitude to your life today and during ‘the process’, and remember to enjoy where you are.
4.) Success if not linear; and it doesn't mean that your dream will never come true, or that you can't take baby steps in that arena.
I’m trying to focus on what I love doing; writing, sharing ideas, even if it is for a small audience and for myself. The joy of writing is the most important part of my dream, and I am learning to appreciate and relax into this, even without some ‘grand outcome.’
Remember that operating within the realms of your dreams is also exciting.
5.) Take small, manageable steps towards your goals.
Within ‘hustle culture’ and ‘manifestation’ we are told to have big goals so we know where we are headed. While it can be good to know what you want, we will quickly become disenchanted and overwhelmed when we see the disparity between where we are and where we would like to be.
The key to successful change, research shows, is manageable and incremental steps that we are more likely to sustain over time. Breaking down your goals into smaller chunks is going to soothe the part of you that would panic at how far the goal or outcome is, and instead focus on what is in front of you, which you can manage.
Overall, we have to accept that it is expected and ‘normal’ to have failures and setbacks. This is a part of living, playing the game of life, and the cost of going after what interests us. Sometimes we will be faced with our own self-sabotage and patterns to address, obstacles we didn’t anticipate, or other unexpected events/situations might pop up.
Usually however, we obtain data about ourselves and what we want/need that we couldn’t have learned if we had not ventured out. The cost of admission into venturing towards our dreams is that we will trip up; the second part of the equation is that we learn.
Overall: Look at your patterns and clean them up if you have to. Tweak your dreams if required. Reflect on how far you’ve come. Appreciate the baby steps and the process. Break down your goals into manageable steps.
Doing some or a combination of these things is likely to reignite the spark within, and a spark is all you need to be on your way.
© Marianna Jaross
Note: This article originally appeared on Medium in 2023 and is independent of my professional association(s) and workplace(s).
Comments