Marianna Jaross
‘Limerence’ is a term that was coined by Dorothy Tennov in her book Love and Limerence (1979).
The Attachment Project highlights that limerence can be described as having an uncontrollable desire for someone. It is described to take over a person’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviour. Two people are required for this dynamic: The person who desires the other, and the desired person (the limerent object or LO).
The limerent person will typically focus on someone with whom they have intermittent contact, who is unavailable, or someone they do not deeply know.
The intermittent and unavailable nature of this dynamic provides fertile ground for the limerent person to engage in fantasy, daydreaming, and obsessive behaviour around being in a relationship with the LO.
This behaviour extends beyond a crush, because time is taken to fantasise at the expense of daily tasks, and at the expense of actually engaging in real life. A limerent person will reject the possibility of getting to know someone available over the fantasy of their limerent object, and thus their romantic energy becomes consumed by something that does not actually exist.
People have reported to being in limerent states for years or even decades.
Julie Nguyen (2021) has highlighted that signs of limerence include:
1.) Lack of clarity into who the other person is.
2.) Intrusive and involuntary thoughts about the limerent object that takes up a lot of the day.
3.) Deprioritising real life and centring this dynamic.
4.) Emotional dependency on the smallest response from the limerent object.
5.) Desperately seeking validation from the limerent object.
This is the fairy floss route of trying to access love: Sweet and high-inducing in the moment, but ultimately unsatisfying; as real love demands reality, reciprocity, and navigating real life challenges.
It is possible to overcome limerence, break the spell, and open the door to the possibility of real-time and real love rather than existing in an addictive fantasy. Limerence can waste our precious resource of time, and actually keep us from the love we crave by relying on a ‘safe’ — albeit unsatisfying — substitute fantasy.
It is also important to acknowledge the link between limerence and trauma. Though limerence can happen to anyone, it tends to reveal wounding that makes it ‘safer’ to engage with fantasy rather than real life.
People with trauma have often experienced inconsistency, pain, or relational challenges which can impact how we see, relate to, or behave in matters of love later in life. For example, we may see love where there is no love, accept familiar ‘crumbs’ of connection, or excuse minimal contact/on-off behaviour because it mirrors a pattern that feels familiar; even if it is not fulfilling.
Identifying and breaking away from this can take time, emotional energy, and practical support. A person with limerence can realise that a new standard can be set for interpersonal dynamics; even if this means letting go of the fantasy of their limerent object.
Importantly, the desire for love is not the issue: That is normal and healthy, and a beautiful part of our soul that survives even when we have experienced pain and harshness growing up. The issue with limerence is that we can emotionally back ourselves into a corner by remaining in a perpetual cycle of longing and hope, instead of realising that a) the limerent object is typically unavailable in some way b) has shown or told you that they are not interested and/or c) is not matching their words and behaviour.
The intention of this article is not to provide all the steps to heal from limerence. Rather, it is to provide clues as to whether this is something you have or are experiencing. Naming our experience can be the first step to change, and with limerence specifically it can be helpful to remember that the minimum requirement for a potential romantic partner is that they are available, interested, and consistent in their effort to build connection.
Overall, limerence in trauma survivors ‘makes sense’ in that it may be felt as ‘safer’ to be in a fantasy that can provide a glimmer of connection without the real ‘risk’ of looking for or attempting to engage in reciprocal dynamics.
However, fantasy is not where real love exists.
Real love exists in the real world and in real interactions. In order to heal limerence and plant our feet on the ground we must address our attachment wounds, identify what we truly want from a relationship, and engage with the world and people in it real-time instead of a time-consuming fantasy that can keep us stuck.
By breaking the fantasy of limerence we can learn to feel our emotions and our longing for love, engage in our life, and take the action steps to increase the likelihood of real and reciprocal connections.
© Marianna Jaross 2024
Note: This article is independant of my professional association(s) and workplace(s).
References
Tennov, Dorothy. (1979). Love and Limerance: The Experience of Being in Love. Scarborough House.
Nguyen, Julie. (2021). What is Limerence? 5 Signs You’re Experiencing It (Not Love!). Mind Body Green. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/limerence.
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